I hadn’t really planned on writing anything to welcome 2017, but I’m currently bed ridden with a seriously gross sinus infection and found myself binge watching Catfish on MTV and was like Kim, you could maybe be more productive right now, get some coffee, prop up your pillows, go pick up your new prescription because CVS won’t stop texting you until you do….
I’m starting HRT patches this weekend (versus the oral form I’ve been on since April) in the hopes that my migraines will get better. I’m not crazy about taking pills or vitamins. Which I’ve been strict about with myself for the last 8 months and dutifully swallow my multivitamin, hair skin and nails vitamins, fish oil supplements, Calcium + Vitamin D, HRT medicine and my occasional Unisom to combat sleep problems due to sweating like a pig at night. Phew! That was exhausting to type. So to take at least one yucky tasting tablet out of my routine would be nice. I also got a lot of positive feedback from other women who battle migraines in my support groups on the patches helping to supply a more continuous dose of the hormone throughout the day, that it not only helped their menopausal symptoms, but the headaches were better.
And I was thinking, instead of reminding myself every night at 8pm when my medicine alarm goes off of what I am dealing with, I’ll only have to face that once a week when I switch patches.
So it’s going to be a new year in a little over 24 hours. I know I know. I’m doing that new year, new me post thing that everyone hates and most probably never follow through with. I am really going to give it a solid effort though. The last year has been…without a doubt the hardest year of my life. When I said that the year my dad passed, I thought I meant it. When I said that when my mom and brother left, I thought I meant it. But no. Not even those two very difficult and sad moments in my life have really come close to being diagnosed with POF. (In case your new to this blog, POF stands for Premature Ovarian Failure. My ovaries have stopped functioning properly, and because that happened by the age of 30 my body has been thrown in to early menopause, and my chances of biologically having children are 1-5%)
This time two, even three years ago I remember everyone asking me if I thought my boyfriend might propose. I remember laughing and joking all the while just smiling and thinking ha..soon..and then we can plan a family, maybe get a puppy, who we would name Bowie whether my boyfriend likes it or not. We would live our beautiful, wonderful and nerdy lives together. We’ve even discussed names. I liked Penelope. He liked Corrine. We both liked Desmond. (We’re both heavily Irish) I would teach them all about Hogwarts at an early age. We would spend weekends at his family cabin in the mountains hiking, fishing and swimming in the lake. I would finally feel included in all the visits with old friends who have little ones of their own. I could text them about crafts on Pinterest for a children’s party, or share my recipes for picky eaters. Post the first day of school pictures. Record their reactions when they see what Santa brought on Facebook. Watch my kids grow into independent, smart and funny little red headed Hufflepuffs. (Because yes – they will totally be sorted into the same house as their mother) Because that’s what life is all about. At least..it’s what I was always kinda taught. It’s certainly what I’ve always been surrounded by. Not to say that there aren’t speed bumps on the road there but from the time I was old enough to play Barbies and have life all figured out it was go to school, get a job, fall in love, get married, have children, have grandchildren, retire, move to Florida, die old and happy and content with the life you lived. Yes?
So back to 2017 coming up pretty fast….sorry I feel like this blog entry is jumpy. I think my ultimate resolution is to find my purpose. POF took some big chunks out of my “Barbie life” equation. The last 12 months of my life I have questioned everything about myself. My purpose. My self worth. My life’s path from here on out. I’ve questioned myself as a women, and as a friend. I’ve even questioned whether I was worth loving. Don’t worry, I do know I’m worth loving. My boyfriend reminds me several times a day, everyday.
I may not have the answer of who I am or what my life’s purpose now is in 2017, but I’d like to start the research on it. I’d like to focus more on taking care of myself. Maybe try yoga again..I never really did put 100% in to that. I’m not gonna stress about when my boyfriend will propose. I’m not exactly in a biological rush for anything now. And he loves and adores me and hasn’t left, even with the knowledge that it may just be me and him. I’m gonna put everything in to my job that I love and enjoy, and hopefully start setting myself up for better opportunities in the future. I am going to drink less, and walk more, and find the motivation to do more weight bearing exercises to keep my bone scans looking good. I hate exercising though, man that one will be hard. I’m going to do a better job at recognizing and writing down what foods worsen my symptoms. I’m also not gonna allow myself to feel embarrassed if anyone were to recognize a visible symptom. I’m not gonna let myself feel ashamed of what I’m feeling, or how I look at any given moment.
I’m also going to try very, very, very, verrrry hard not to take things so personally. Not everyone in my life knows my deal, and that’s not their fault or mine if I haven’t shared it with them. They don’t know that their pregnancy announcements bother me. They don’t know that I’m sweating because I’m having a hot flash and not because I ate something spicy or the thermostat is too high. Or that I’m flushing because of the hot flashes and not having an allergic reaction. But I also need to be kind to myself and not force myself into a situation that WILL cause me a little pain, like baby showers or kids birthday parties. Excuse myself from a discussion that possibly points in the direction of my future plans for a family. And hopefully the people I have confided in will understand. I’m gonna try to avoid Facebook lurking, too. We are all guilty of that and I think we all cause ourselves unnecessary pangs of jealousy and worry that everyone is doing better than us. I have even considered deleting Facebook one day, as I have once before. But then I’d reaaaally miss my support groups. So maybe not haha. And more than anything, I’m going to search deep within myself and hopefully by December 31, 2017 find true meaning to my life.
So a Happy New Year to you all, I hope everyone has a safe and fun weekend, don’t wildly overindulge, and don’t drink and drive. And to my POF sisters out there reading this, I am sending positive vibes and lots of love your way. And I pray that you all find peace within yourselves, as much I plan to this year.